WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
new record!
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God