Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
How dude HOW?!
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!