the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.