The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
You Might Also Like
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.