[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
You Might Also Like
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on