“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
#Caturday
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe