It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
This line from Airplane.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”