Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
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[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Contractor: well it鈥檚 not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can鈥檛 really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn鈥檛 be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I鈥檒l take it.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can鈥檛 have both.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Before we start our poker night, I鈥檇 like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me: I hate Valentine鈥檚 Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 馃槏馃槏馃槏
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 馃檪 it appears that we鈥檙e all in this togeth-
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I鈥檒l interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I鈥檓 excited to meet my children for the first time*
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven鈥檛 sat down since.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
God: you鈥檙e a Squid.
Squid: actually I鈥檓 a Kraken.
God: what鈥檚 a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what鈥檚 a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There鈥檚 no cute way to execute that. You鈥檙e now in an episode of naked and afraid.