I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
You Might Also Like
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
This made me chuckle.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj