JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
A small tragedy.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
how much for the angry fruit?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful