I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
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If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.