I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
🤭😂
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring