*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.