I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Fight
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.