Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Just a phase…
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
A flock of dads is called a grill.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.