Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.