Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.