If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m tired tomorrow.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
$4 #usedbooks
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
🍞🦆