We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.