I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.