*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree