they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
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“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs