Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
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I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]