If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.