An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
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My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I have a new favorite meme page
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos