The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
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Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Wikigenius
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.