Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone