Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
bout dat hot dog summer
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit