My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
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Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball