CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
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It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
How can I say no to this ?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*