Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“You’d better run, egg!”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown