searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Noted.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I…do not understand how electricity works.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”