Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?