Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.