[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
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I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.