Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background