I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist