I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.