Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
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The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
a badder mouse
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”