Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Love this guy
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.