Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
scared to check what name she chose
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?