Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
#growingpains
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.