75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
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[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I think they could have phrased this better
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*