throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I put the hot in psychotic.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me