It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
You Might Also Like
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Lmao 🤣
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.