“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
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me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
This is painfully accurate 😅
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.