I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.