Twitter remains undefeated
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE