You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
my dog when i have a friend over
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Ah yes. The three genders
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh