Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
mariah carrie
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much